When we lose a loved one, our lives change in many ways, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. The grieving process is a challenging but necessary process of adaptation and processing and often times physical objects can serve as anchors through that process.
Physical memorials have been a part of the grieving process throughout human history. From large objects such as mausoleums, pyramids, gravestones to midsized items like trees, urns, plants, flowers down to personal belongings and more modern items like jewelry and stones made from ashes.
I lost a close friend when we were 26 and when I was staying with his partner while he was in the hospital, I extended my stay and started borrowing some of his clothes. I still have a Chicago Cubs shirt from that and I wear it to go see movies, a favorite past time of ours, to feel close to him. One downside of clothing is that it has now been over 15 years and the shirt is starting to fall apart.
They all serve a purpose, a physical piece to memorialize a loved one can help the grieving process in many ways:
- They give grief a home - when grief is abstract, it can feel unmanageable, objects provide a container for that. Additionally, they allow separation from that grief when not in the presence of the object.
- They offer a sense of presence or connection - objects may feel imbued with the energy of the person lost and provide a sense of closeness to the person through symbolized connection or specific memories
- They trigger memories - a reminder of the person, which can force us to confront our grief rather than avoiding it or pushing it down.
- They support ritual and reflection - an object can create or reproduce a symbolic or spiritual connection and become part of small rituals: lighting a candle on birthdays, storing their favorite flowers, or holding them during times of sadness.
- They promote storytelling - objects can trigger memories and stories from the time you spent with a loved one, helping to keep those memories alive and allowing time to celebrate or accept those memories.
Of course, memorials aren't always easy. If your relationship with the person was complex or the loss was traumatic, negative feelings can be conjured or the object can become a burden. In these instances, a physical object can help to process those challenging emotions which can be the hardest part of grieving.
Today, there are many options to create memorial objects using the ashes of a loved one, including: stones created from ashes, modern urns, jewelry made with ashes, paintings using ashes, and at Held Ceramics, we make hand made ceramic memorials (vases, planters, and urns) integrating ashes from loved family members, friends, and pets.
Physical objects don't solve grief, but there are many benefits to taking or creating something tangible that can help advance or ease the grieving process. Grief can move at many different speeds through different times of your life, having a physical memorial can provide something to return to through all stages.
While we wish we never had to lose those close to us, the next best thing is to improve the process of grief that is a natural and important part of all of our lives.